We're Sending Our Daughter to China

My kids with two of our Chinese exchange students

Most of our friends and family know this already, but in a little less than two months we are sending Bethany to China for Spring Break. Everyone has been incredibly supportive, although I'm sure a few people are thinking (but are too polite and kind to say), "how can you send your 13-year old to CHINA?"

Yes, Bethany is 13. She is in 8th grade. Yes, that might sound young to go traipsing all over the world without your parents. I would even agree that for many kids, it might be too young. Bethany, though, she's ready. And as much as I wish it could be all six of us, going as a family, that just isn't something that can happen at this time. So we are confidently sending her on a cultural exchange trip through her school, along with 11 other kids (7th-12 grade), five teachers and three administrators.

Some questions you may have:

Is it safe?
Keeping in mind that there are dangers involved with simply going about your life on a daily basis, we feel that yes, the trip is safe. Twelve kids to eight adult chaperones, many who have been to China before (and one - a Mandarin teacher - who is from China) is a pretty good ratio. They will be together, as a group, the whole time, and not just wandering the streets of Beijing and Shanghai on their own.

Where will they be staying?
Our school district has a relationship with a boarding school in Beijing, so the majority of the time they will actually be staying in the dormitories at the school. This will give the kids an opportunity to see first hand some of the educational differences between American and Chinese schools and educational practices, and will serve as a base for exploring the city. Because we have hosted three Chinese exchange students from this school, we know that it is very strict and that Bethany will be in good hands while staying there.

For one long weekend (three nights), each American student will go home with a Chinese student. I suppose this is the part to be the most nervous about, since everyone will be off doing different things with their host families, who may or not speak English, and we won't know what they're doing ahead of time. We also may not have contact with them for these few days. Furthermore, this is the part of the trip that requires us to take a leap of faith and depend upon the kindness and hospitality of strangers, as the parents of the three children we hosted had to do with us. My hope is that staying with a Chinese family, and really seeing first hand how people of a different culture live, will be a deeply rewarding experience for Bethany.

The final few days of the trip will be spent at (from my understanding) a kind of student hostel in Shanghai. This will be their only hotel-like experience in China, as they do some sight seeing before heading home.

What about homesickness?
Unlike the Chinese students we hosted, who were accustomed to being away from their families at boarding school, I expect that Bethany will deal with some homesickness, as well as culture shock. But one of the reasons we feel good about sending her on this trip is that she is a very independent 13-year old; capable, smart, and outgoing. She has flown alone in the past, and has spent time away from us on several occasions. The trip is two weeks, so it will be the longest she's been away from home without us, and of course the furthest, but I know that she'll be fine. I'm also pretty sure the kids are going to be kept so busy that they'll have very little time to pine for the comforts of home.

What will they eat?
The food might be a challenge. While staying at the boarding school, the group will have most of their meals there. We have been told that they try hard to accommodate American tastes, but to bring a couple boxes of protein bars just in case.The rest of the time, hopefully Bethany will get a little adventurous and try some new things, but she does like rice and noodles and Chinese candy so I don't think she'll starve.

Is it expensive?
It's not cheap, that is for sure. Since the kids will mostly be staying in our sister school's dormitories and with a host family, the greatest expense is the airfare. We have yet to be given the bottom line, but the total cost is estimated at approximately $2700. To offset the cost of the trip, we have been doing some fundraising as a group. Furthermore, Chris set up a GoFundMe account for friends and family who would like to contribute. We have been overwhelmed with the generosity of others - I must say we know some pretty awesome people!

Why do you think this is a good idea?
There are so many ways to answer this question. The world is a big, big place, but it's also smaller than we realize. Yes there are countless differences between the American and Chinese cultures, but as human beings we are more alike than different. It's easy to watch the news and form opinions and even prejudices about other people or groups of people without having any real life experiences with them. Visiting their country, meeting them, living with them, laughing with them, those things serve to bring us together, to learn about one another, and to have a greater understanding and appreciation of our differences, as well as a sense of empathy for the plight of our fellow human beings.

On a more personal level, Bethany expressed an interest in this trip a couple years ago and has maintained an interest in the Mandarin language (which she studies at school), and the Chinese culture. To be 13 and to have the courage and the desire to travel half-way across the globe without your parents is no small thing. If she has that courage, I do not want to be the one to discourage her, tell her she can't, and encourage a sense of fear where there was none. If she has that wanderlust, I do not want to be the one to squelch it.

What I want for my kids is for them to take ownership of their own lives, to believe they CAN even when others try to tell them they can't.

When Bethany and I attended the first informational meeting about the China trip several months ago, we saw pictures of the toilets (squatty potties) and the food, and we found out the trip overlapped with the 8th grade National Junior Honor Society trip to Washington D.C. (which the majority of her friends are going on). I thought to myself that she might change her mind with all of this new information. But when the meeting was over, she wanted to go to China more than ever. She was excited, and I was excited for her.

I know that as parents we can't give our kids everything they want. But when the thing they want takes courage and determination and a sense of adventure, saying yes might be the right thing to do. Saying yes this time, and allowing Bethany to have this experience, will open the world up to her in a way that never happens for most people. We believe that going to China is going to be a life changing event for Bethany.

Sure she could wait and have this life changing experience when she's 15 or 17 or in college, but I know that oftentimes the older we get, the more we get set in our ways, and the more we allow fears to take over and dictate our lives. Sometimes, the longer we wait to follow our dreams, the less likely we are to ever actually follow them. So if our daughter wants to start now, we're saying yes.

What To Do With Your Exchange Students

While our exchange students have been staying us, I've been trying to do as much with them as possible to make this experience fulfilling and fun. I wrote about our first couple days with them in this post. Since then, they have done quite a bit, both with the day camp program and with us.

If you want to read more about what it's been like hosting exchange students from China, you can read all about it HERE. That post will tell you a little about the particular program we're involved in with our school district. I love the program because the kids go to day camp Monday-Friday, which includes lots of field trips. Here is a list of where they've gone with the day camp (Bethany and Connor get to go too). They still have two days left, those last two field trips are not included.

• Patridge Creek (outdoor mall) for shopping and a movie 
• Our city pool, x2
• Detroit Zoo
• Bowling
• Roller skating
• C.J. Barrymore's (go carts, bumper cars, laser tag, etc.)
• Local park/splash pad
• Birch Run (outlet shopping)
• Michigan Science Center
• Tour of Comerica Park (baseball stadium)

Outside of camp, some things we've done with them (some have been mentioned in previous post):

• To the beach in Lexington
• Swimming at my father-in-law's
• Out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant and an American restaurant
• Out for ice cream a couple times
• Outdoor concert at our local park
• Regular stuff like Kroger, the library, Target, and the local mall 
• Putt putt golfing
• The Heidelberg Project (outdoor urban art display in Detroit)
• Belle Isle, where we visited the Aquarium, the Conservatory, and Dossin Great Lakes Museum
• World of Discovery Reptile Zoo in Ann Arbor
• University of Michigan Museum of Natural History
• Two get togethers with other Chinese students and host families
• A birthday get together for one of Bethany's friends
• Dinner at McDonald's (their request)

Including tonight, we still have three nights left with them. We have plans for tonight and tomorrow night, and will probably go out Friday night as well. Everyone is tired, but hey that's what you do on vacation, right? We are sort of having an at-home vacation while they are staying with us, and this is a world wide adventure for them! Coming from Beijing, which is a city of such size and magnitude that I don't think we can quite fathom here in the U.S. (at least not in Detroit!), I am not sure what they think of things around here. But they seem to be enjoying themselves. And they are enthusiastic about every activity and outing that we suggest

As you can see, many of the things we did with them were inexpensive or even free. You can certainly go all out, but if you're on a budget, as we are, there are plenty of things that you can do that won't cost a fortune. At first I was worried that all they would see of the U.S. would be the little bit of Michigan we'd be showing them. But then I found out that they visited New York City, D.C., and Philly, as well as Toronto and Niagara Falls in Canada, before their arrival in Michigan, so I feel that their trip in whole is more well rounded than I originally thought. In a perfect world, I would have loved to have taken them to Chicago and northern Michigan, but nonetheless, I definitely feel like they have done and seen quite a bit while they've been here.

Some nights we've stayed home too, which can also be fun. One of the best nights we've had was when the girls had a little spa time, doing facials and painting their nails. The boys play video games together quite a bit. One evening we had a pizza and movie night. Although Chinese kids do get summers off of school, their school sessions are so rigorous in China that it must be nice for them to be in a more relaxed, yet still structured, environment for awhile. Knowing that they aren't used to having much free time, I have been making sure they have time to read and just relax, or to go upstairs and be alone for bit if they feel like it. I've also (cough, cough) been letting them stay up too late. But our time with them is so limited! Plus it takes awhile for everybody to shower before bed.

The point is to immerse these kids in American culture, and show them some things they can't see at home. Just playing in the backyard, walking around the neighborhood, and accompanying you on mundane errands can be eye opening and enriching experiences for kids from another country! Imagine how cool it would be to do the same in China, or any other country!

If you're thinking about hosting exchange students, but think you can't afford to do a lot with them, think again. Do a little research to find out things to do in your area that are free or low cost. Use Groupon and Living Social to get some good deals too. I'll admit that our program is pretty unique because of the day camp, and that helped out a lot. But I still found plenty to do with our kids that cost nothing or close to it. Meeting your family and friends, exploring your neighborhood, going to parks and playgrounds, free museums and concerts, nature centers, area landmarks/photo opps...use your imagination and a little help from Google and there's a good chance you can find quite a bit! You'll probably even be in my predicament, with too much to do and not enough time to do it all! 

Sometimes, or most of the time, Mathilda likes to hijack photos with silly faces.

What It's Like Hosting Chinese Foreign Exchange Students

Our time with Ken and Tina, our Chinese exchange students, is going by so quickly. I can't believe they've already been with us for 10 days, and we have just 5 more days with them!

I was pretty nervous about hosting foreign exchange students. Just your basic fear of the unknown. I had a lot of questions and concerns swimming around in my mind. Will they get along with our kids? Will they like our food? Will we have trouble communicating with them? Will our family be bothered by the lack of privacy?

These are all valid concerns, but I have to say that things have been going far better than I anticipated.

They get along just fine with our kids. My impression was that most kids in China are only children, but both Ken and Tina have siblings (Ken has a younger brother, Tina has a younger brother and a younger sister) so they're used to brothers and sisters. Plus they go to boarding school, so they are used to sharing a room and having lots of other kids around all the time.

They have not turned away a meal yet. Every thing we give them, they eat. They try everything. The only thing I couldn't get Ken to eat was candy, and I'm not about to complain about that! Whether I cook or we go out to eat or have a picnic lunch, they have both been great about eating. Better, I have to admit, than I suspect my own kids would be in a similar situation.

Honestly, we have had some communication hiccups. I kind of think that us host families were lead to believe that communicating with the Chinese kids would be easier than it actually has been. The first couple days were particularly rough. Ken and Tina have been studying English for years, and with their rigorous school schedules, I'm sure that a lot is expected of them in their Chinese classrooms. But staying with a family who doesn't speak their language naturally puts things in a whole new light. Now that they've been here for over a week, things are going much better in the language department. I have made it a point to talk to them quite a bit, even when their initial response has been to clam up and keep to themselves. They are getting better and better as they adjust to speaking English all the time. We have used a translator app when needed, and that is a big help.

Both Ken and Tina like reading and often go off to spend some time alone. I have not once, since they've been with us, felt like they are in our way or interfering with our daily lives. In fact, I have had to draw them out and encourage them to hang out with us, when their natural inclination seems to be to go in bed and read or go off to be alone. Tina, in particular, reminds me quite a bit of myself as a child, because I always had a book with me. She has an iPhone, and wherever we are she can be found with her nose buried in an ebook on her phone. Since they are used to being away from home at boarding school, they are not needy or dependent. They don't get up at night and come in our room, they don't follow us around and badger us (if anything, it's the other way around!). All of the kids' bedrooms are on the second floor in our house, while our bedroom (Chris's and mine) is on the first floor, and there is a bathroom up there too for them. That has made things easier because I think they feel they don't have to be around everyone all the time if they don't want to, and no one feels crowded.

I want to do as much with Tina and Ken as we can while they're here, but I'm trying to temper the activities with opportunities to just hang out as a family, as well as time for them to be alone. I keep reminding myself that this is a vacation for them, as well as, possibly, a once in a lifetime opportunity. At the same time, they are living with people who were complete strangers just a short while ago, so I don't want to overwhelm them.

I didn't expect to become so attached to Tina and Ken so quickly! When I dropped the kids off at camp this morning, and watched the four of them walk into school together, I got a little misty eyed. I am really going to miss them. I think about their parents, and how much courage it took to send their kids to a foreign country and entrust an unknown family to care for them. I am thankful that they did it, because this has been a really rewarding experience. Hopefully we will keep in touch, and I would love to host them again if they return in middle school or high school.

From our end, we are learning so much about Chinese lifestyles and culture. My kids have impressed me with their patience and their willingness to share...their bedrooms, their parents, their time, and their home. There is more laundry and more dirty dishes, but I don't mind. Throughout the course of these past couple weeks, the world has suddenly become a much smaller place for my kids, as well as a much bigger place. China is so far away, and yet Chinese kids are not so different from American kids. Yes there are cultural differences, but they are kids. They laugh and act silly and get bored and tired and will spend way too much time with video games and electronics if we let them. We can still be friends, despite our differences. China is so far away, and now my kids have a better understanding of this far off place, and a better understanding that there is more to the world than our little pocket of southeast Michigan. Maybe an interest has sparked in them to learn more, to see more, to understand more.

Have you hosted a foreign exchange student? Or have you wanted to, but hesitated because of similar concerns? I'd be happy to answer any questions. If you have the opportunity, I think you will find it to be quite a rewarding and unique experience that your family will never forget!  I have a feeling this will not be our last time hosting exchange students...at least I hope not!

Looking for ideas for things to do with exchange students? Read this post for inspiration!

Foreign Exchange Program Progress Report

Friday afternoon I picked Bethany and Connor up from day camp and brought two extra kids home with us. Ken and Tina (their self-christened American monikers) are visiting America with a group from their school in Beijing, China. Their first three weeks* in the US were spent visiting New York and Washington, D.C., and their trip culminates with three weeks in Michigan.

As part of this foreign cultural exchange program through our school district, Bethany and Connor have been attending a day camp with the Chinese students. Since our district hosts Chinese students from our sister school in Beijing throughout the year, an unused school has been converted in dormitories. The first week our Chinese kids were here, they stayed in these dorms and went to camp Monday-Friday, 8:30-4:00, along with the American kids. Friday they came home with us, to finish off the final two weeks of their American trip. During these two weeks, Bethany, Connor, Ken, and Tina will continue to go to day camp Monday-Friday.

The day camp is a fun place for the kids to learn about American (for the Chinese) and Chinese (for the American) culture and participate in many activities and field trips. They play games, do craft projects, watch movies, play outside, and more. The camp is 100% free for the American kids, including lunch, snacks, and all field trips! Last week they went on three field trips; shopping and a movie at a local outdoor mall, our city pool, and the Detroit Zoo. Another day they had someone come in with an exotic animals demonstration.  Monday of this week they walked to a local park with a splash pad, and from here on out they will have a field trip every day. Weekends and evenings the host families are responsible for entertaining and feeding the kids, but we have been provided with some ideas and opportunities for meeting up with others from the program outside of day camp.

At pick up time Friday afternoon, we had a brief informational meeting and then the whole group had a family pizza dinner at the school. It was pretty much utter chaos, but with so many people I'm not sure how it could have been done differently. Then we loaded Ken and Tina's luggage into the van and brought them home.

We spent Friday evening showing them around our house and just letting them settle in. My mom came over to meet them and brought ice cream. Pretty quickly it became apparent that the language barrier might be an issue, but from the start these two kids have both been very sweet and well mannered. They eat everything we give them, try their best to answer our questions, and are understandably very quiet. Although they have both been studying English for years (they are 11 years old), speaking in a classroom in China is quite different from speaking with Americans who don't speak Chinese. I can only imagine the relief they must feel when they call home or see their peers at day camp and can speak freely without trying to think of every single word they want to say.

Saturday we spent the day in Lexington. My aunt and cousins are visiting from Idaho and staying at their family cottage there. I wanted to make sure we got to spend some time with them, and I thought it would be cool to take Ken and Tina to a Michigan beach and give them the chance to see one of the Great Lakes. We went swimming and played on the beach, then I took them into town so they could get some candy from the General Store. Ken, as it turns out, does not like candy. He likes other sweets so I'm not sure why he was unwilling to try anything, but I find it impressive that an 11-year old kid is able to just say no to candy. Saturdays during the summer season are crazy in Lexington, but we still managed to get a parking spot and find a bench to sit for a few minutes enjoying our candy. We then drove to Croswell to the swinging bridge, just because that's something that we do while we're there. There was a festival going on, and we sort of got stuck in a parade of tractors, but the kids were able to cross the bridge and play for a few before we headed back to the cottage for dinner. We got back just in time to indulge in an American barbecue dinner that my aunt and her family had prepared.

After dinner we had to scoot because Bethany and Tina had been invited to a sleepover at another host family's house. Bethany's friend is hosting two Chinese girls who are friends of Tina's. We were told that the Chinese kids view their schoolmates much like siblings, since they spend so much time with them (they go to boarding school), and to try to let the kids see each other outside of camp if possible. Tina seemed quite happy to be with her friends, and I'm grateful for the invitation!

The kids were exhausted from our long day and passed out pretty early. I picked the girls up Sunday morning, and then we all spent a couple hours just hanging out at home before taking the kids to my father-in-law's to go swimming. We stopped on the way to pick up some Hot 'N Ready pizzas, had lunch poolside and let the kids swim for hours. Tina and Ken are both good swimmers. They told us that they swim at school, but that they mostly just swim laps and are not allowed to play around in the pool. I think they had fun just splashing around and doing whatever they wanted (without the big crowd at the city pool).

When we had had enough swimming, we went out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. Our waitress immediately sensed that Tina and Ken were from China - maybe she noticed that they didn't seem to understand English that well - so she spoke to them in Chinese, which helped the ordering process. They seemed to like all the food, and when we asked them if if was like food they eat at home in China they said yes. We were surprised by this, but then they did order some different foods that we had never had. They tried everything. I am so thankful they're not picky eaters! They have been making it easy on us in that regard. After dinner we went out for ice cream before going home for the night.

Connor and Ken have been playing video games together, but Bethany and Tina haven't really found any common ground like that yet. Ken is starting to open up a little more and talk to us more, while Tina is definitely more shy and I think it will take a little more doing to get her out of her shell. I'm trying to ask them lots of questions and get dialogues going, and often times that is not easy, but we're plugging along and it's getting easier. When I hear Ken talking to his family on the phone, he sounds very animated and I hope he is telling them how much fun he is having! Tina has her own phone and calls home up in Bethany's bedroom, so I haven't heard her conversations.

So far my impression is that this is a great program! I love that the kids have the day camp to go to and so many activities and field trips to do. That takes some pressure off host families...knowing the kids have been doing fun things all day, I don't feel like we have to schedule an activity every night. Our responsibility as host families is to feed the kids breakfast and dinner everyday, drive them to and from day camp, feed them on weekends, and provide them with their own beds. Connor has bunk beds, so that was easy. I re-arranged Bethany's room a little to squeeze in a twin size air mattress, which I purchased before I knew that the school had some to loan out to host families. But that's okay, it's a nice air mattress and now Bethany can use it any time she has a friend over to spend the night. The kids have their own spending money, but we are to treat them like our own in regards to things like paying for meals out, paying their way for any activities we choose to do with them, etc. We are allowed to do whatever we want with them on weekends and evenings, with the exception of leaving the country - no trips to Canada!

I'm already feeling like I won't be ready to give Tina and Ken up in two weeks! I'll continue to update, but so far I'd say it's going pretty well!

Maybe I should consider editing my photos so my kids don't look like zombies. Just a thought.

*Actually, I'm not really sure how long the kids were in the U.S. before they arrived in Michigan. Initially we were told they would be touring the east coast for two or three weeks before coming to MI, then another host mom who is also volunteering with the program told me she thought they were here for 6 weeks total. But when I asked Ken to see his pictures from the first part of the trip, it looks like they may have only been in the U.S. for about a week (in NYC, D.C., Philly, Niagara Falls, and Toronto) before their arrival in Michigan.