Review of The Thought Exchange

If you've ever had the feeling that there's something missing from your life, or that there's something stopping you from achieving your dreams, you would probably benefit from watching the film The Thought Exchange. The movie is based on the book by the same name, written by renowned Disney composer David Friedman. I would categorize it loosely in the Self Help or Self Improvement genre. Its kissing cousin would be The Secret, but don't let that turn you off. There is none of the hokey, repetitive, dramatic staging found in The Secret. The Thought Exchange is much more straight forward and tolerable. (Disclaimer: I have nothing against The Secret, with the exception of its cheese factor).

Throughout The Thought Exchange, Friedman describes his revelations in learning to live the life of his dreams. Realizing that what he was doing wasn't working, he set to work trying to figure out something that would put him on the right path. What he learned was essentially the importance of working through our uncomfortable sensations to get where we want to go. Friedman purports that feeling terribly uncomfortable is a sure sign that we are heading in the right direction toward the fulfillment of our greatest wishes. He challenges us to feel the panic, the chills, and the fear, and to not only put a new name on it, but to also use these unpleasant sensations to our advantage.

Friedman, along with the narrator and the other guests in The Thought Exchange, does a great job explaining the points and practices of his theory. The mirror and shopping analogies mentioned were particularly useful as far as clarifying and putting the movie's objective in perspective. This is the type of movie that needs to be watched more than once in order to glean everything possible from it. It is a thought-provoking learning experience, and I look forward to watching it again, and reading the book as well.

Evening the Score

I love having a "big" (by today's standards) family of six. Sure it's loud as heck and there's lots of bickering. But in the grand scheme those minor annoyances are not such a big deal. We have fun. The kids play together and help each other. They have daily hands-on lessons in cooperation and team work. The four of them will have each other for always, and that's what makes me the happiest.

Sometimes there are challenges, I mean besides the typical damage control and mediation. One of them is Score Keeping. She got more/you love him more/she got to stay up later...etc. etc. I'm sure you get the picture, and even with two kids it's a challenge (I was a mother of 2 for a few years...). But with four it's more complicated and harder to keep track. At least for me, in my muddled Mom Brain. They probably each have the equivalent of a 100% accurate Excel spreadsheets stored in their little noggins, clearing showing how many times they each got to ride in the front seat, sleep with mom and dad, have a piece of candy before dinner, and any other perceived or real inequality anyone could possibly imagine. Me though, I'm just winging it. I've given up on keeping score because there is no way to keep everything 100% fair and equal.

Before I had children, I worked with a woman who had two kids, in the young adult age group. She would keep track, to the penny, (not exaggerating!), of how much she spent on each of them for Christmas. Because she just knew they would realize if all things were not entirely equal, she made sure to spend the exact same amount on each of them. In my naive pre-motherhood days, I thought she was nuts. And now that I have been in the mommy business for over 10 years, I see her point - but I still think she was nuts.

Life simply doesn't work in terms of pure equality. It just doesn't. It can't. All kids do not want and need exactly the same. They are unique. They need different amounts of time, attention, affection, and even material belongings. It's not possible to throw all their needs and wants on a spreadsheet and expect anything resembling an even score to come out of it.

We do our best to meet our children's needs, one by one, as they are expressed. Someone needs extra hugs and kisses, check. Someone gets a free pass on chores because of a busier than usual social calendar, check. Someone has a nightmare and begs to sleep with us, check. Someone has a ton of homework and needs a ton of help, check. And then there's the other stuff too. Like someone gets a special treat when accompanying a parent on an errand, and treats are not provided for everyone else. (scandalous!) Or someone gets to stay up a little late because the movie he or she is engrossed in is almost over. If you are a parent of more than one child, I am convinced  you deal with such inequalities on a daily basis. If you are in the midst of the baby days, this goes double. A baby who wants to nurse or just pooped his pants just isn't going to be very patient, and thus everything else gets knocked down a notch in order of importance.

And while we do our best everyday to keep things as fair as possible, knowing that pure equality is not possible but hoping that the scores are pretty darn close, at least; sometimes something comes up that sets the whole delicate system way off kilter. Like Bethany gets to go Florida, all by herself, to visit Chris's brother. And she gets to miss three days of school, and go to Disney, and go to a water park, and get Uncle Robby all to herself for 5 days, and do all kinds of other fun stuff.

It's a wonder our other three children are not ready to crucify us. But they are handling it surprisingly well. This is Bethany's Christmas present from my brother-in-law, and the long term plan is for the other kids to each have a turn when they are in 5th grade. Of course life happens and there are no guarantees, so we can only hope that they will each get their own special trip; and if they don't, that it doesn't scar them for life too badly.

There's really no way we can make things even in the neighborhood of equal for Connor, Lucy, and Mattie this week. But we still feel compelled to try, just a little bit. Thus it happened that last night, on a school night, Chris took Connor to see the midnight viewing of The Avengers. And let him drink a Pepsi Icee (we have a strict no caffeine rule around here). And let him take the day off school today...he was out until three in the morning, after all. While we're at it, why shouldn't Lucy get to do something special? So we let her take a day off school too. And she'll get a solo sleepover at Chris's mom's tonight. And maybe the three of them will do something with my mom tomorrow. Do our combined little efforts equal a trip to Florida and all it entails? Not a chance. We're not magicians, but we're doing our best.

Thankful Thursday

Happy Thursday! I thought today I'd get my day started with my thankful post to set a positive tone to the day. As opposed to waiting until the kids are in bed to sit down and write.

I am thankful that my father-in-law drove Bethany and I to the airport yesterday so I didn't have to deal with figuring out where to park. Since only I was allowed to go to the gate with her, and I had to stay until her plane was in the air, he went to a nearby restaurant and hung out while waiting for me. How awesome is that? I've never parked at the airport, and that is exactly the kind of stupid thing I typically stress about (but where will I paaaaaark? said in an extremely whiny tone, FYI), so his help was truly appreciated.

I'm thankful that Chris's mom kept Mattie overnight Tuesday night so I wouldn't have to deal with getting her ready as Bethany and I were getting ready for the airport Wednesday morning. 

I'm thankful that everything went smoothly with the airport and the flight, and Bethany made it to Florida safe and sound.

I'm thankful that Bethany has this awesome opportunity to travel to Florida to visit Chris's brother. She's probably on her way to Disney right this very minute!

I'm thankful for the warm weather. Even if I am suddenly opposed to wearing shorts.

I'm thankful for time with my friends.

I'm thankful that Chris helped me go through all the crap on my desk last night and get the area nice and (mostly) organized.

I'm thankful that Chris is on a cleaning and organizing kick right now. He helps to motivate me. Especially because one of the things on my list of goals to accomplish by September is to clean every room, closet, and cupboard in the entire house. Maybe a little ambitious, but we've only lived here 3 years so how bad could it be? (don't ask)

I'm thankful for all the pink and sparkly clothes my friend Aimee gave me for Lucy this week. She does have hand-me-downs from Bethany, but my eldest wasn't quite so feminine in her personal style at age 5. Plus Lucy is taller than Bethany was in kindergarten, so Bethany's 1st/2nd grade clothes are fitting her now...and the older Bethany gets the less frou frou girly her wardrobe gets. So Lucy was thrilled to get her own bag of glittery goodness. And I think it's possible that I might not need to buy her *anything* for summer except some new shoes.

I'm thankful for the darling matching sailor dresses Chris's mom picked up for Lucy and Mattie at Macy's last weekend. They are so darn cute, I can't wait to have an excuse to dress the girls up and get some pictures.

I'm thankful for my yogurt and fruit smoothies I've been having for breakfast every day. It takes a few minutes of effort, but I feel really good having started my day with a whole bunch of healthy deliciousness. I mean, I've already consumed 4-5 servings of fruits and veggies and a good portion of my calcium for the day. (I also have a calcium supplement every morning, so that helps with that!)

I'm thankful that yesterday was the last day of catechism. Our Wednesday afternoons are now free! Love it!

I'm thankful that after tomorrow there's only 5 more weeks of school. Woo hoo! 

What are you thankful for today?

So What! Wednesday

I'm linking up with Life After I "Dew" for So What! Wednesday!

So What! if I'm insanely proud of Bethany for being brave enough to fly to Florida by herself?

So What! if I think it's perfectly reasonable to indulge in a yummy coffee confection roughly once a week? 

So What! if I let Bethany have McDonald's for lunch at the airport today? It was the closest and quickest (and cheapest) option, and I got to indulge in a yummy coffee confection (see above). Plus she really wanted it, because (and this is difficult for me to believe) McDonald's cheeseburgers still appeal to my children.

So What! if I feel a little whiny after lugging roughly 80 pounds of little girl around in a wagon? Maybe if I wasn't wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt on this steamy, humid day, I would be a little more cheerful.

So What! if my Couch to 5K training is on the back burner right now? I've realized that doing it by myself is beyond boring, and if I want Chris to do it with me, we need a jogging stroller, like stat.

So What! if I really didn't mind waiting at the airport for Bethany's flight to take off this afternoon because I got to sit there in peace and quiet, with no interruptions, and read my book. Because she was flying as an unaccompanied minor, I had to stay there until the plane was in the air.

So What! if I think I've become one of those people who never wants to wear shorts?

So What! if I sort of jumped into vegetarianism haphazardly, without really doing any research about it? I think I should get on that...I'm fearing a vitamin deficiency of some sort.

So What! if maybe we might let Connor and Lucy take a day off of school this week too (since Bethany gets to miss THREE days)?

What are you saying So What! to this week?

Can People Change?

Can people really change? Can they? I have heard and read so many times that the answer to this question is NO. No, people cannot change. They are who they are. They may change their behaviors, they may fool us, but inside they are really always the same. Sounds pretty dismal, eh?

However, hopeless optimist that I am, I refuse to accept that answer. I believe that YES, people can and do change. I believe in epiphanies and wake up calls and continuing self-growth and cognitive maturation, which happens far later in life for some than others. I believe that people can stop being awful and start being wonderful, or, unfortunately, vice versa. I believe that changes can be more than just surface, more than just for show. I believe they can be deep and true.

I suppose it matters what kind of change we're talking about. Something fundamental, like sexual orientation? No, I don't think someone can truly change their sexual orientation.

But what about something like introversion versus extroversion? I am undoubtedly an introvert. I have always been an introvert. I do not think I could fully convert to extroversion. There is something in me that craves quiet solitude. I can adapt behaviors more characteristic of extroverts: I can spend more time with friends, train myself to be more talkative, and force myself to be more friendly and outgoing. But at the end of the day, I'm still an introvert. I need to sit quietly with my book or my internet, without interacting with anyone, and just stew in my own thoughts. I don't think this is a bad thing because I can have the best of both worlds. And while I don't think I could change into an extrovert, I do think that changing my behaviors in this example would still change who I am in some way. Is it really just a masquerade, changing my behavior, or is it more when I find that I'm actually now a more outgoing person? I'm still an introvert, but I have changed because now I am more outgoing and I enjoy being around other people more than I used to. This counts as true change in my book.

I believe, fully and completely, that every single person has the capacity to improve themselves. Maybe this means becoming a better listener, or more self-confident, or more empathetic, or more generous...the possibilities are endless. Everyone has room to grow. And growth means change. We are not meant to be stagnant beings. We have brains so we can learn, and the the opportunities for learning are endless. Learning means growth. Growth means change.

Some things probably can't be changed without a lot of intervention, like therapy and medication. But while someone might be saddled with an addictive personality, for example, for life; that doesn't mean they can't change. They can go to rehab, they can detox, they can change. Even though there might be that part of them that knows it is capable of addiction, and that part isn't going anywhere, going from a place of drug or alcohol abuse and crossing over to a place of no longer using - that's change. Many relapse, but many don't. They change, for good.

Things like extroversion/introversion or addictive personality...well they might be as fundamental to our beings and our personalities as sexual orientation. So maybe you can never really be freed of having a predisposition toward addiction, but you can change by not acting on it. Maybe you can never convert from introvert to extrovert, or the other way around, but you can develop and nurture behaviors from the opposite side, in effect making changes to your personality.

How about something like being selfish or mean-spirited? I believe those are more surface traits, and not fundamental to who we really are. I believe people can soften. I believe it's possible to wake up one day and suddenly realize, "hey, I'm an a-hole, and I don't want to be that anymore." Sometimes it takes a tragedy or a major life event to instigate change. Losing someone you love, having a baby, retiring. Sometimes it simply requires listening or noticing at just the right time.

Yes, I will always believe that people can and do change. I concede that there are certain aspects of ourselves that we probably cannot change, but I don't think "mere" behavioral changes should be discounted. I believe I can choose the kind of person I want to be, and I can be that person. I can decide not to be miserable and become happy. I can decide not to be stingy and instead be generous. I can decide to be optimistic instead of pessimistic. I believe we have much more control over ourselves: our thoughts, our behaviors, our moods, our essence - than most of us realize. And that if we want to, we can harness that control and change.