The F Word

One little four-letter word is the ruler of my life.

F-E-A-R

In many cases it's justified, which I'll explain in context of my current situation, but whether the fear is warranted or not is beside the point. Fear shouldn't be running the show, for me or anyone else.

I am registered to run a half marathon next month. NEXT MONTH. I started halfheartedly training months ago, and then life got in the way, and then I started again, and then life got in the way again. Well, you know that saying, the one that goes something like: "If you want to do something, you'll find a way. If you don't want to do it, you'll find an excuse." There you go, a perfect explanation for this particular predicament. After all, I do hate running, and that is absolutely no secret.

I kind of figured I would turn the training into high gear once the kids started school, and hope to at least walk really, really fast and run part of the half.

And then...

I haven't really talked about this much, but a few weeks ago I'm pretty sure I had a seizure. Something like this has happened to me before, but it had been over three years since the last incident. At that time, I had some testing done, and a neurologist wanted to put me on a drug I was not comfortable taking, so I never filled the prescription. I started a rigorous chiropractic regime with adjustments three times a week and just concentrated on taking better care of myself. And I was fine, until a few weeks ago when it happened again.

Unsurprisingly, it happened when I was run down and worn out. I was out of town with my mom and kids, spending lots of time in the bright hot sun (a migraine trigger for me), walking a lot, driving a lot. I ended up with a killer sick headache our last night at the hotel, was okay the next two days and then woke up to this thing that I think was a seizure.

This is how it happens for me. Always when I first wake up. I feel sick, then lose control of my hands (and once, my entire body). I don't have convulsions, like you are probably thinking when you envision a seizure. I know now that there are actually many different types of seizures. My muscles in my hands seize up and I can't move my fingers. I'm dizzy and nauseous and totally conscious the whole time. This time I was sweating profusely but I can't remember if that was the case in the past. I don't know how long it lasted but it felt like an eternity.

For the rest of the day, I felt horrible. Weak and nauseated, with no appetite and no energy. I felt unwell for several days, and when I started to feel better, I over-did it (we were getting ready for my daughter's birthday and redecorating her bedroom), and then felt bad again for a couple more days.

Finally I felt normal again, totally, blissfully normal. I spent days school shopping and walking around Greenfield Village and still felt completely fine.

Then last weekend we went to my father-in-law's for a little barbeque and swimming, and I did something I have done hundreds of times in my life. I did a somersault in the pool. One, that's it. When I came up out of the water, the world was tilted sideways. I struggled to swim to the side of the pool, and slowly inched my way out. I made it into the house, where I sat in the dark bathroom until it was time to leave. I was dizzy and nauseated the rest of the day and felt unwell for days afterward.

According to several of my friends, this last occurrence seems like an episode of vertigo. I've never had anything like this happen to me before, and with it coming so close on the heels of the other incident a few weeks ago, I'm a little uneasy.

(No, I haven't been to a doctor. That is a discussion for another day.)

So anyway, let's come full circle back to that F-word. You see now what I mean? I think I'm justified in being a little scared, given the circumstances. I don't know if I can (or should) run, and I'm worried that if I do I might trigger another episode.

I'm a little annoyed, to tell the truth. But since I'm (once again) feeling fine, I'm going to walk everyday and see how things go. If I continue to feel good, maybe I'll try running a little bit. I don't know.

I think I'm being properly cautious, given the circumstances. But I still don't like it. I want to be able to run without worrying about the implications on my health. Yes, I did mention that I hate running. But still, it is my prerogative to torture myself as I see fit!

I'll be honest. What happened to me was terrifying. I am very afraid of it happening again. (Fearful enough to take meds that might make me suicidal and unable to drive? Probably not.)

This is, unfortunately, not the only area of my life where fear is king. It's just the one that's on my mind the most at the moment.

I think most people let fear rule their lives to a certain degree. What about you? Have you managed to move beyond your fears, or are they holding you back?

I'm Thankful for Couch25K

(It's technically Friday, but I'm still doing my Thankful Thursday post!)

Should I assume that pretty much everyone knows about Couch25K? Just in case, let me tell you a little bit about it. Couch25K basically helps people start running. It takes non-runners literally from the couch to being able to run a 5K. You start with a five-minute warm-up, and then you take turns walking and running, and finally you end with a five-minute cool down. In the beginning, you walk for one and a half minutes, run for one minute - back and forth for about 20 minutes. Gradually, the time spent running is increased in small increments, with the goal that when the program is over, you'll be capable of running a 5K. What the app does (I use the free version, and it's on my iPod) is give you cues. It tells you when it's time to start running or walking. You can listen to music while the app is running, and when it's time to switch, the voice will talk to you right over the music.This week I listened to a Tony Robbins audio book while doing it, and it was kind of cool working out and listening to a motivational speaker at the same time.

C25K

From start to finish, C25K is designed to last eight weeks. In the beginning, the sessions are 30 minutes, and ultimately, by the time you get to the end of the eighth week, it lasts 40 minutes. I tried starting C25K in the summer, but I couldn't get into it running outside. Now I'm going to the gym and doing it on the treadmill, which I much prefer. Maybe once I'm a real bonafide runner I'll learn to appreciate running outdoors.

I'm thankful that I finished week 2/day 2 this morning. I cannot emphasize how much it astounds me that I've been able to run at all. I was one of those kids who could never, and I mean never, run in gym class. I couldn't breathe, I'd get all wheezy, my sides would hurt something awful. I'm no longer asthmatic like I use to be, and I'm sure that helps. But Couch25K is really phenomenal for easing non-runners into running. 

I have a goal, on  my Life List, to run a 5K. When I put it on my list, to be honest it seemed impossible. I don't know if I actually believed I would ever be able to do it. But now, with the help of C25K, I am confident that I will be able to do it! I got kind of a late start, so I don't know whether I'll be able to do the 5K this year. Although...I have six weeks left, and that would take me to Thanksgiving week. Do I want to run outside in the cold? Hmmm. If you know of a 5K in the Metro Detroit area during the last two weeks of November, please share! I'll think about it...

I'm thankful for the technology that is helping me to meet my goals. I'm thankful for the C25K app. I'm thankful for my iPod that is the platform for C25K. I'm thankful for treadmills that tell me how fast I'm going, how far I've walked, and how many calories I've burned, and allows me to add an incline to my workout. I'm thankful for my Kindle, which I read while I'm on the treadmill. I can choose from any of the many books I have stored. I'm thankful for the Tony Robbins audio book I downloaded online (thanks to Smiley360) and was able to transfer onto my iPod.

Isn't technology beautiful?

Life List 101 Update

First of all, I've added a page for my Life List, you can see the link for it above (below the blog title and picture). I will update the page when I add new things to my list or accomplish anything on it. 

I've been reading Run Like A Mother, by Sarah Bowen Shea and Dimity McDowell, to help get  me into the running mindset (so I can accomplish #3 on my list - Run A 5K). I also run in place in my family room while doing the Wii Fit. Stop laughing. I know it's so not like real running, but at least maybe I am beginning to train my lungs not to burst into flames. I'm planning to buy a jogging stroller, hopefully in the next month or so, and my friend Julie told me about a 5K in May that we could maybe do together. 

I have a few additions to my list. After I got through the first 34, I've been finding it more difficult to think of more things I want to add. 

Also, I want to encourage anyone reading this to go ahead and make your own list. Keep it private or tell everyone like I'm doing. But do it for yourself. It's a fun activity to get you excited about your life. (Wait a minute. Am I channeling Dr. Phil?) It'll make you think about what you want to get out of life, because cliche as it is, life is what we make of it. Make it something good.

35. Learn to play the piano. Just a little would be fine. We have this piano sitting in our living room, someone is going to learn how to play the darn thing.
36. Get on a vitamin regiment. Learn about what I should be taking and do it every day. I've been taking calcium supplements for a couple months now, but I know there is more I should be doing. 
37. Transform my bedroom into a restful oasis; a clean, tidy and organized place Chris and I can go to relax. As the only room with a door on our first floor (besides the bathroom), our bedroom is generally the catch-all where we shove everything extraneous anytime we're expecting company. I want it to be beautiful and peaceful instead. 
38. Get in a regular habit of rotating one-on-one time with each of the kids. We don't even have to leave the house, but it would be great if we did at least once a month or so.
39. Organize all of my photos, both digital and print. This is going to be a huge job, and when I'm done with my own, Chris's mom has tons of old pictures in her attic that I'd like to get in new albums. 


That's all I can think of for now, but I will be working on adding more. If you make your own list, I'd love you to share it with me. At least some of it. Please. I'm nosy, but I could also use some inspiration.