The New York Dream

I have lots of dreams, and by dreams I mean life ambitions and goals. Most of them are pretty vague, which makes realizing them kind of complicated in a way I can't quite put my finger on. I have, for example, dreamed of going to New York City in this foggy unclear way since I was a tween girl reading Sassy magazine. Probably before that. Don't Judy Blume books take place in New York?

New York City is a little over 600 miles from Detroit, yet somehow it felt like I would never get there. I have been to places much further, but New York seemed somehow unattainable. Maybe because all of my dreams seemed similarly unattainable, because they are vague ideas. Yet I've continued to daydream and keep my aspirations in a safe little pocket in the back of my mind.

What I'm learning, and it's really not all that easy for a bunch of reasons, is to remain positive and hopeful, and to grab onto opportunity while I can. I wish I would have started learning this life lesson a really long time ago, but I am grateful to be learning it at all. A lot of people, a whole lot of people, never do get around to it.

Back in June, a couple old friends from high school, whom I hadn't seen in many years, happened to be in Detroit the same weekend - one from Texas, one from New York. Somehow the stars aligned for us to get together one night, along with my friend Shelly, who, like me, still lives in Michigan. We started talking about visiting Texas and how fun it would be. And then we made tentative plans to get together again a couple days later, before the two of them headed home, in opposite directions. Turns out I couldn't make the second get together, and I half jokingly texted my New York friend, saying I would just have to come and see him in New York instead. He replied, telling me that Shelly was going to be visiting NYC soon. I texted Shelly and asked her when she was going. She told me the dates and said, "You should come too."

Immediate response: dismissal. I couldn't possibly go to New York. Right? I have four kids, and money is tight (isn't it always?). And I had that whole personal crisis I talked about in this post. But here it was, this dream of mine, suddenly a whole lot less vague. Now I had a friend to go with me, a place to stay for free, an actual date. Here's something to know about your dreams. Hang on to them, and when the time is right, take a step toward making them real. One step turns into another, and that leads into another. Talk about them. Say it out loud, "I could do this." Admit to others that you're thinking about it. Ask for help. I talked to my mom and my mother-in-law to see if they could help with the kids, since Chris would be working while I was gone. Lo and behold, they said yes. One step closer. I thought some more and realized that, obviously, traveling alone costs considerably less than traveling with four kids. And that there is quite a bit to do in NYC that doesn't require spending much money. That vague, very old dream of mine was no longer blurry. It was coming into focus. Shelly started telling me about her friend's apartment, where we'd be staying, and things she thought I would like to do in New York. I started figuring out just how much this venture would cost. Things were getting specific. My dream was becoming a reality.

The universe wants to help us realize our dreams. That might sound new age-y and hokey, but I believe it. It's not magic. We have to do the work. We have to take the first step, the leap of faith. We have to keep moving, and looking for signs. We have to accept help that can make our dreams come true, and to recognize and seize opportunities. We have to believe.

I am not one to study the Bible, but this verse from Matthew 7:7 illustrates my point perfectly:

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

This is how the world works.

Often, I am so wrapped up in the mundane day to day stuff that I don't have the energy to focus on anything else. But when I do, it is more than worthwhile. How surreal it is to look back at last weekend and let it soak in that it really happened. I really did do all those things and see all those things. I read the signs and acted on the opportunities I was given, and I took a leap. Maybe it wasn't the best time to spend the money (when is it ever a good time?), but I know I will never regret that trip. I got to be just me, hanging out with my friends and sight seeing and shopping. I got to refresh. I got to do something I've always wanted to do. I know millions of people visit New York every year, and that it's not necessarily a remarkable thing. But for me, it was.

I'm Dreaming of Gay Paris

When Chris and I were away this past weekend, I spoke a dream of mine aloud. Now, I think it's safe to say that Chris has always sort of vaguely known about this dream, but I made it specific and it feels a lot more real now.

I want to go to Paris for my 40th birthday.

I have always wanted to go to Paris. This is nothing new. My whole life I just assumed I would go there at some point. Weird? What I now realize is that I'm not going to simply be teleported to Paris in my sleep one night, and wake up next to a queue of tourists in line for the Louvre. Not that I ever literally thought that would happen. But...I never thought it through very much at all. Someday I will go to Paris. When is someday? Last weekend I decided that someday is my 40th birthday, which will be in the year 2015.

Being a parent is a wondrous thing. I wouldn't trade one second of mommyhood for anything in the world, even Paris. But it's loud. Physically loud and also mentally loud. There's not much room in my mind for thinking about me. Sometimes I can squeeze in some minor, rather inconsequential thoughts. Like, it's time to schedule a not so fun doctor appointment, or it would be fun to go out with the girls this weekend. But the big thoughts...dreams and goals and stuff like that...well, I usually can't remember to think them, I'm too distracted to think them, I'm too tired to think them, and I'm too busy thinking about...who has dance what night?, what day can I get to basketball registration?, I should have already ordered Lucy's birthday presents, what am I going to buy at the grocery store for school lunches this week?, Connor seemed a little nerved up at bedtime about starting 4th grade, are Bethany and her friend going to make it to school on time if they walk?, does Mathilda need to go back to the doctor?, can we fit in a family vacation during Christmas break? (small sample of what is competing for my attention and brain space at this very moment.)

Getting away with just Chris gave my brain a little break. Not that the kids weren't still on my mind, because of course they always are. But I wasn't being barraged with a multitude of demands that must be met right this very second. It was quieter. I could breathe and think at a more leisurely pace. And so when we were driving someplace at some point during the weekend, I said it. I want to go to Paris for my 40th birthday. And Chris said...okay, let's do it.

Chris put it as a Facebook status: we decided that we're going to Paris for Alysia's 40th birthday (something like that). We mentioned it to the kids. Lucy said, "don't forget to take a picture of the Eiffel Tower." As if that would ever happen. Chris started looking up some prices to get an idea of how much we'll need to save. He's excited about it which is making me more excited about it. I've been researching Rosetta Stone so I can brush up on my French. My random, vague little dream is turning into something real.

Time away from my kids was the key ingredient for me. Having a little mental quietude is sometimes vital in turning a dream into a reality.  Figure out what the dream is. Say it out loud. Be specific. Write it down. Share it. Tell your parents, tell your kids. Make plans. Do research. Move forward. Dream big. Make it happen.

I'm going to Paris for my 40th birthday.

And I can't wait to tell you all about it.

Wish I May, Wish I Might

Do you ever want to do something so badly, even though you know it is absolutely 100% impossible? Don't get me wrong, I think a lot of things are possible, just about everything. But sometimes I get this crazy idea in my head. This yearning to have all my babies together, all of them the same age. Mathilda is going to be 2 in a couple weeks (unbelievable!), and I love this age. I love the cuddles and the hugs and the emerging vocabulary and independence. I love how she climbs all over me with no boundaries whatsoever, squeezes my legs in her little arms and beeps my nose. I miss Bethany, Connor, and Lucy at this age. I hope I hugged and kissed and cuddled them enough. I just want them to all 4 climb all over me and smother me with the affection of a 2-year old. I want to look at them all at the same stage of life and just drink in the sight of them and absorb their touch with all of my being. Sometimes I think maybe I'll be able to do that when I've moved on from this world...maybe I'll gain the ability to manipulate time and re-live whatever I want, in any order or combination.

Here they all are at (or close to) age 2...

Mathilda

Lucy with Grandpa

Connor

Bethany

There's other things too, like this desire, deeply rooted in my soul, to see every corner of the earth. Sometimes it feels like just leaving this state is an insurmountable hurdle. I know there is no way I'll ever see everything I want to see. I want to hike through a rain forest and drink hot chocolate in Spain and walk along the Great Wall of China and wander around the ruins of Machu Pichu and see the Egyptian pyramids and a million other things, some of them much closer to home. I think of my grandparents, who went to Europe a few times when their kids were grown, and I think that it's possible to make dreams into realities. And then I wonder if, in the next world, I'll be able to see every single thing I wanted to see in this life and never got around to. I wonder if it would be like seeing everything through a sort of cloudy mist, like it's there but not tangible.


Many years ago, I had this dream. People I knew who had died were in my grandparents' backyard, and I knew they were there and they knew I was there but they were sort of in a fortress with an invisible shield around it. It reminded me of a transparent version of the old tent my grandma and grandpa used to set up in the yard sometimes to air out. Their presence was a small comfort, just to know they still existed, even though I couldn't touch them or truly be with them. I had that dream at least 10 or 15 years ago, but for some reason it has stuck with me all this time. I think sometimes our dreams tell us things we need to know. Sometimes we get the message and sometimes we don't.

Possibilites

Picture a supermarket, let's call it Food Mart. As you look around, you are disappointed because there isn't much to choose from, and what you see doesn't look great. You are utterly underwhelmed. However, you're hungry, your family likes to eat, and your cupboards are getting pretty bare. You really need to shop, and this is the only place in town.


You head over to the produce department. There is a man standing behind a counter, the liaison between you and the fruits and veggies. He is there to help you, but first he requires your driver's license. For some reason, handing your identification to this man feels kind of shameful, as if he is a police officer pulling you over for a traffic violation. Although it doesn't feel quite right, you hand over the I.D. without question, automatically resigned that there is no other way. You start telling this man what you want. When you ask for bananas, he hands you a basket with three bananas in it. They're spotted and bruised; definitely not what you'd choose for yourself. And you have four kids for goodness sake - three bananas is not enough! Yet you say nothing; you simply accept the basket, which is really cute, and put it in your cart. The same thing happens with everything you want; the man consistently hands over poor quality produce, and he never gives you as much as you'd like. Somehow, the cute baskets make you feel a little better, which makes no sense! Who cares about the outer packaging when what's inside a)isn't enough, and b)is not quality? When you're done shopping in the produce department, you wait for the man to return your driver's license, but he doesn't. Though it feels strangely illicit, you reach back and retrieve it yourself.


By the time you get to the check-out, your basket is sort of full, but there really isn't enough and it's not really what you want. As you unload your cart, you feel dissatisfied, but you continue with the transaction. You're hungry and your family likes to eat, after all.


The lack of selection in the Food Mart is a metaphor for your perceived lack of options in your life. The man is an authority figure, your self-conscious, deciding for you what you deserve and what you are permitted to have. You hand yourself to him willingly when you give him your I.D. This is you telling him has permission to run your show. The cute little baskets represent your outer self and your physical surroundings. They don't look half bad, so perhaps it's best not to upset the status-quo, not to argue with the subconscious man. But you do manage to bravely reclaim yourself when you snatch your driver's license back from him - there is hope! Yet you continue with the transaction, thereby accepting your slim pickings and taking what you can get.


Now imagine instead that you are walking into a huge, gleaming clean supermarket, let's call it Super Food Emporium. There before you is aisle after aisle of every food you can imagine, and many you've never heard of. Everything looks so good, so fresh, so delectable! You start filling your cart, but there are so many lovely things you want, everything barely fits. In fact, you have to get a second cart. Everywhere you turn there are friendly, smiling store clerks standing by to help you, and encouraging you to try everything that looks good to you. You are filled with happiness and gratitude because shopping here is such fun!


If you had a choice between shopping at Food Mart or shopping at the Super Food Emporium, the best decision would be obvious, a total no-brainer. You do have a choice. Choose the better store, and bask in the endless array of options and opportunities available to you. Choose well, and accept guidance from positive influences along the way. This is your life. The only thing stopping you from having, doing, learning, and experiencing anything you can imagine is you. Step out of your own way.