Sunday, May 13, 2012

...and the Mother of Year Award Slips Through My Fingers Once Again

Sometimes I am like a petulant child. That is not easy to admit, but it's the truth. I try to be flexible, and to stay positive, and to be happy. But sometimes, when things don't go my way, or the way I had visualized in my mind that they would go, I just don't flow with it very well. To put it mildly.

Today was one of those days. It wasn't a terrible day, but it wasn't what I wanted it to be, so I was ticked off all day long. All. Day. Long. I feel like there are two days in the year when I get to call the shots. One is my birthday, and the other is Mother's Day. This is probably a stupid frame of mind with which to begin any day because, number one, there are five other people living in this house; number two, four of them are children; number three, I can't control all things no matter how badly I want to believe I am entitled to do so; and number four, well, I'm a grown up and I should know better. I was so annoyed that I wasn't having the kind of Mother's Day I had been looking forward to.

Well, here's the thing I'm beginning to realize now that I'm not quite as annoyed as I was earlier in the day. I called the shots today, alright. I chose to be crabby and angry and annoyed and to cling to those feelings like a drowning man clings to a raft. I could have had a good day, a different kind of good day than the kind I wanted to have, but still good. Instead I chose to have a crappy day. I chose to be inflexible. I chose to wallow in my disappointment. Sometimes I am lead blindly by my emotions. I am caught up in a relentless tidal wave, and even though there is a part of me that knows there is a way out, I refuse to acknowledge that truth.

Nonetheless, there were a lot of good things about my day, even though I chose to hang onto the stuff that made me crazy mad and focus on those things all day. But there were good things, and right now I'm going to focus on those.

The kids woke up early, but Mattie crawled in bed with me, cuddled up, and went back to sleep. The rest of the kids left us alone until we were ready to get up.

Chris made me breakfast in bed; an omelet, cinnamon rolls, and a smoothie. He brought it at just the right time, as Mattie and I were waking up.

The kids made me nice, sweet cards. I love each of them. Really, the morning was lovely. Everyone hung around in bed with me and nibbled on my omelet and stuff.

My friend Tina delivered the new Sookie book to me, by way of our friend Aimee, so that I may read it this week before Aimee (who is the owner of the book) even gets a chance to read it. I love Tina, and seeing her smiling face made me happy.

Our moms came over, and they brought me nice little gifts. We had a good visit.

Chris made all of us a delicious dinner. It was really good, and he worked hard on it. Bethany helped a lot too.

Chris really tried to cheer me up. I remained more or less stubborn in my resolution to not be cheered, but he did try.

The moral(s) of the story is(are): My expectations are ridiculous? Maybe. I need to learn to roll with the punches? Definitely. If I want things my way so badly then I should probably prepare a little better? Yep, that too. Enjoy life and focus on the good instead of the bad? Yes! Accept that everything is not always going to end up how I want it to be? For sure!

By now you probably think I'm a complete jerk for admitting, well, that I am indeed a complete jerk. Ugh. It's embarrassing. But I'm betting I'm not the only one who has sabotaged an entire day for no good reason. Right? Right?

(awkward silence...)

Even if no one else wants to admit it, I'll take one for the team. I'll be the one to let everyone else know the truth. Sometimes I am an a-hole. Sometimes I have unrealistic expectations. Sometimes I don't appreciate the efforts of others as much as I should. Sometimes I wish I could re-do a whole day. Sometimes I feel like a massive failure of a human being.

Tomorrow is a new day. Thank goodness.

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ThurberGang said...

I've had a couple of Mother's Days like this!! And, it appears that I'm just as self-reflective and guilt-ridden as you!! I hope you know that I think you're a FABULOUS mother and while you totally deserve *many* days where everything goes your way, if you don't get them as often as you want - think of me and know that I'm right there with you!

alyaia75 said...

Hilary, you are a good friend and I MISS YOU!! Thank you for your kind words xoxo